Here’s the reality. It’s been slightly over a year since W and K sat down and started talking about this baby plan. Since then, we have done a lot:
- W read a poop-load of lesbian parenting books, pretty much immediately (leading us to realize that there are no queer parenting books yet);
- K has, like, 85% come to terms with the fact that people are going to be weird and gender normative about all this;
- K started fertility tracking, discovering that she is incredibly regular (yay?);
- W & K decided on at least 1 possible gender-neutral name that we both do not hate;
- We wrote lots of fun posts about stuff like debunking the “traditional family,” body love and parenting, and defining a queer fam;
- We told our friends and family that we are heading down this path;
- We started the blog because we felt isolated from other queer parents-to-be and because we felt there was very little out there for queer and/or trans* parenting issues.; and
- We found amazing people IRL and in the blogosphere who get it, which made us feel embraced in a real way.
But it’s time.
We aren’t the type that typically sit back and take things slow. When we make a big decision, we usually find a way to bring it to fruition immediately. But here are the other things that have come up over the past year:
- Money, money, money, money. We have lots of student loan and credit card debt that we want to reduce first, as we have a not-so-irrational fear that this might cost a lot;
- K is going back to school in the fall to finish her Master’s degree, mainly because she found out that this is the last year she can transfer some of her credits from an earlier half-finished graduate program. So back to school, it is, because it is cheaper this way (see student loan and credit card debt, above);
- We are really lazy about making doctor appointments and have been thinking about changing providers, anyway; and
- We have been going on a lot of little vacations and trips and doodads, which is really counter-intuitive to saving money (see student loan and credit card debt, above), but we are kind of having an extended pre-baby fling. It’s just the truth.
It’s time, though. It’s time to take action. (Doo doo doo-doo! <–That’s a superhero theme diddy.) If we had the kind of parts that mash together in a reproductive way, we’d be doing this already. A little over a year in, we are fully realizing there isn’t ever really a good time. For some, there is never a time at all, because having kids in the way we want to do it is a privilege of us being comfortably middle class. The debt-laden, student loan-saddled, underemployed middle class, but still. So…by the end of 2014, we hope to be actually trying–like with the sperm and the egg salad. We’ll keep you updated.
In the meantime, we hope to keep this blog more actively updated with posts about LGBTQI+ parenting issues and intersectional parenting issues, reach out to more guest bloggers (We keep finding awesome guest bloggers who are also super busy people.), and keep it fresh.
In the meantime, here is a very important video of a giant panda putting their baby panda back to bed:
Hugs to you both!!!
There is never a good time. Rob and ibwete thinking about it after I got tenure teaching. Then I lost my teaching job and I thought it would never happen, but then he surprised me and said we should try. It took 8 months and I was ready to give up trying and boom! Baby!
Then with Cuomo and the budgets he realized that his teaching job was not so secure. We had been playing with the idea of a second, so that got pushed way aside. This year he finds out his job is not secure at all and the school is looking at closing. Thank goodness we have an amazingly supportive family who will help us with finances if something incredibly dire happens. For now we ate floating, but just barely.
I know it was different for us because there wasn’t a monetary component involved in trying, (except for pregnancy tests… But dollar store tests are just as accurate as the expensive digital ones!!)
There is never a good time and if you keep putting it off it will never happen. And that is why you rely on family and friends. I don’t think we have bought more than 10 outfits for MJ in her entire 18 months, and the girl is not lacking for clothing. I wish I had such an extensive wardrobe. When she was born we had an entire garbage bag of handmedowns gifted to us from one of Rob’s former students. I already have things picked out to set aside for your little nugget, things that are special to us that we want to share with another family (like the shark T-shirt we got from a dear friend who has since passed).
And remember what we have talked about and know that we are here to support and love you guys.
Um, don’t know what to say other than that we love you! And we would be incredibly honored to be gifted your shark t-shirt. A little misty thinking about it.
We’re here for you, too! I hope you’ll reach out if you ever need anything. And we’re so pumped to see you AND ROB in November! Maybe we could plan a visit to see your new (ish?) place over the summer!
So happy to have found this blog! My partner Emma and I are trying to start a family and reading your checklist of ‘things you’ve done so far’ was so comforting and familiar! We’re in the UK – some things are a bit different but basically…
* Told people we’re starting down this path
* Checked out sperm donor websites and been on two ‘dates’ with a potential donor…both of which were a bit awkward so we’re not sure we’re gonna go that route…
* Sent an email to our extended networks asking if anyone knows a male friend who might be our donor.
* Read up about the legal side of stuff.
* Arranged to get a civil partnership, because if we’re not legally partnered if/when I conceive, Emma won’t be the other legal parent and will have to adopt our child.
* HAd BIG talks about how not to get a small-family house and live together in domestic partnership me, her and a kid because for us that will make us go MAD…and started looking into shared houses, co-ops and so on.
* Fielded calls from two guys from aforementioned website who really really really wanted to convince us that artificial insemination doesn’t work and natural is the only way to go.
* Accepted that most people we know are gonna be pretty gender normative about this.
* Told all of our families. Except some people. Ack.
* Started saving. Yep, this looks hella-expensive
* Made plans to travel ASAP before anything happens!
* Oh yeah…and last year I borrowed the money to buy a boat to live on. It’s hard to explain how that’s connected to the baby plan now…but it really, really was. (?!)
There’s probably more but hey. I’m subscribing to yr blog so we can feel not-alone in this and follow your exciting progress!
Yay, Beth! We started this little fledgling blog to try to find other people like us, too. If you haven’t already, check the blogroll. There are some fabulous queer parents and parents-to-be writing about their experiences with ALL THIS.
Thanks for sharing your journey so far. Sound exciting and hilarious and we definitely relate to a lot of it. Definitely want to know more about this house boat situation… 🙂
Speaking of sharing your journey, if you ever want to author a guest post on any of your experiences as a queer parent-in-planning, we’d love to feature your stories. Especially coming from the other side of the pond!
Thanks! I already mined your excellent blogroll…loving the witchy unicorn person so far, so so much to check out! Thanks again for creating this resource 😀
Oooh, and you know what thank you for the guest-blog invitation… it might be nice to share those experiences somewhere (I was like ‘no Beth you can NOT start another blog about this!!’) …writing the odd post for you guys would be a cool way to put those thoughts out there from time to time! Awesome! You have my email address from the comment thingy right?
SO MANY EXCELLENT BLOGS!
Our guest posting info is here: https://queerfamilymatters.com/submit-to-qfm/
Would love to have you write an occasional post! Right now, mostly K is posting and our goal was always to feature more voices than just our own.
I’ll follow up by email, too. 🙂
P.S. YOU ARE AUTOSTRADDLE BETH! K is a CE-in-training right now. 🙂 Small world!
Ah yeah! Pretty sure there was some following of silent twitter thingys that led me here… hurrah for Autostraddle! And for K!